Are you making yourself invisible?

I believe that feeling invisible has a shared responsibility with ourselves and the people we spend our time with. When I was at school I had a brilliant group of friends, they were supportive, understanding, the best you can ask for, but after I met my now ex boyfriend I changed, I became invisible over night, due to his verbal and physical actions, I  didn’t talk to my friends as I was told they didn’t actually like me they just put up with me, made excuses not to go out because I didn’t want to wear an unusual amount of make up to cover up things on my face as it was very rare for me to wear mascara let a loan cover every inch of myself in foundation. I was too scared to not be by his side as I knew full well what would happen. After 6 years of that I managed to get out. At work that invisibility cloak wrapped itself back round me. I worked in an environment within a very small team, and I felt extremely invisible. I had very low self esteem and confidence and believed it was my fault I was being left out, it was my fault they would just walk off and leave me out of conversations, but looking back I don’t think it was all me, if they cared enough about my feelings, they would’ve tried and made me feel part of a team, but no such luck, and I was only noticed when one member of the “team” was upset with the other person, and I was used to be spoken to about the other person.

Why was I only made to feel visible when someone wanted to moan? why couldn’t I have been spoken to all the time? I was so angry that I, in my opinion, was being used, that I ended up shutting myself away and making myself invisible. I purposely worked in a different area, purposely changed conversations and purposely ignored my “team”, but this was the only way I could feel content, I had gone from hating being invisible to hoping I would be invisible, this is what I mean about making ourselves invisible, sometimes we make ourselves disappear due to bad experiences that we fear we might get back into.

Even though all that happened only a year ago, it still effects me like it is still happening.  It has knocked my confidence so much that I hardly go out in large groups as I only feel comfortable with my new and amazing boyfriend. I have lost some friends due to paranoia. I am hoping that continuing to write my worries and thoughts on this blog, I may start to come to terms with my fears.

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